Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Butt-kickings, detox, and angelic beans

I just had my butt kicked today. It might have been the worst butt-kicking I have ever received. It even beats the time I received two swirlies for showing up to school wearing my Leprechaun costume (mostly true story). Except this time it happened where it hurts, in something I care about..................................................... Scrabble.

Final Score: Amber 347 Jared 153

She beat me by 200 points. For those of you who don't play Scrabble, that is a BLOW OUT! It's like when (insert your favorite sports blow out story here).


We are trying to eat more healthily. The boys at my work are doing an addiction exercise where they give up something difficult for two weeks. Knowing my propensities for sugary deliciousness, I was roped into giving up sugar. Judging by the last couple of posts, this was well timed. Amber and Mikkena decided to join me, and we extended it to a month. I won't lie, not eating sugar is the hardest thing I have done in a long time. For a few days I got depressed, but now I'm back. Strange things happen when your body detoxes from high sugar levels. Fruit starts to taste good. Who knew fruit actually tasted good. I always looked at fruit as bad impostor low-budget candy, but I ate an apple the other day that was better than all of the bad impostor low-budget candy I have ever eaten! Also, I have officially adopted caffeine-free Diet Coke with lime (the lime takes away the disturbing after-taste shivers). It's definitely a tentative adoption, we haven't signed the papers.

So, with the family on board we made some adjustments to Mikkena's birthday celebrations. Instead of birthday cake we went and had low fat (and I think sugar free, although I didn't check) frozen yogurt at Amber's new favorite trendy frozen yogurt place with a stupid name.

This was the real test of my commitment to not eat candy. There was a self-serve topping bar filled with candy and fruit. There they were...........................................not just jelly beans, but Jelly Bellys, and I was feeling snooty. Perfect, glowing, speckled little beauties like little angels from heaven. They were singing to me, "it's OK no one will ever know. We are delicious".

One death glare from Amber snapped me back to reality. I got fruit, and it was still good, but not Jelly Belly good.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Babies and Pumpkin Guts

I'm so excited about Halloween that I just put a dentist on retainer. But sadly, I am starting to realize that 28-year-old trick-or-treaters are kind of creepy. For the last couple of years I've been able piggyback on Mikkena, because 28-year-old guys taking their daughters trick-or-treating isn't creepy at all, it's adorable! Later I steal all of her candy. But today I realized that my window of opportunity is closing fast. This week Mikkena is turning 10. Pretty soon she will be too old to be my trick-or-treating excuse. I need another baby, and fast!

In addition to stockpiling black market insulin, we decided to prepare for Halloween with a good 'ol fashioned pumpkin carve.

Guess the movie.

My favorite part of carving pumpkins is having a big bowl of pumpkin guts to run my hands through and throw at people. Good times.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

severed limbs and electric chairs

I've got to thank Jack Skellington the next time I see him. Dressing up as John Travolta, going door to door begging for tasty morsels, screaming till you pass, I can't think of a better holiday. We started off this month's festivities by going to a haunted house. We went to the Scream Asylum in Provo. I give it 3 out of 5 dead clown heads (for those of you who don't know, that's the official haunted house rating system). It was cheaper than other houses, but it was shorter too.

Going to haunted houses is always a blast, especially when one member of the family screams at the top of her lungs for 15 minutes and then runs into a wall (I'll give you a hint, it's not the 9-year-old). Three years ago, Amber used her 10-year-old nephew Cody as a human shield to fend off evil clowns. He's still not over it. Really, ask him.

Each year the trip starts off with Mikkena teasing Amber about last year and bragging about how she "totally saw the guy with the chainsaw coming". That is until we actually get there.

"Daddy, I think this is a bad idea"

After being attacked by a headless man carrying a rack of dismembered body parts, Amber was awarded the quote of the day.

"Jared, hold me! Mikkena can fend for herself!"

Well we made it, and we got to keep the cool 3-D glasses. If you look closely you can see my ruptured right eardrum. It was a scream!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Prognosis Delectable

I have a problem. I knew I had a problem before I was officially diagnosed with an acute sugar addiction 10 years ago (true story). Now, don't worry about me, I'm fine. I can quit any time I want, but if you suspect that you or a loved one suffers from this horrible yet delicious disease here are some warning signs.

1. Day dreaming about candy while at work or in class.

2. Buying two barrels of Red Vines because you know one won't last the day.

3. Hiding at least three candy stashes "just in case".

4. Four root canals.

5. Caring more about the white-rabbit-melamine scare than the fact that your bank just went bankrupt.

6. Making a trash stop before coming home from work so your wife won't find the four Skittles and the two Three-Musketeers wrappers.

7. You consider peanut M&Ms "healthy" because they contain protein.

8. People ask "what's that fruity smell?" every time you open your mouth.

9. You carry around black licorice not because it's your favorite, but because you know no one will ask you to share.

10. You used to eat ice cream with friends, but now you just eat alone.

I know that there are health concerns for people that have high sugar diets, such as an increased risk for diabetes, obesity and tooth decay, but there are some hidden health benefits that most people are unaware of that I believe offset those risks. I have gathered a few of these gems during my 28 years researching the subject.

1. Cinnamon bears cure sore throats. That's right, move over Halls. Next time you have a sore throat reach for the Cinnamon bears, you'll be glad you did. I will warn you though, you'll need to eat a lot, but if you're anything like me that won't be a problem.

2. Jelly beans counter act almost all of the negative symptoms of vomiting. I discovered this on Easter morning 1989. I had the flu, but I didn't let that stop me from partying hard with my peeps! Trust me, it's almost as good coming up as going down.

3. Candy stops violence. I've never been beat up after giving someone a snickers.

4. Candy may be bad for your body, but it is good for your soul.

By the way, my favorite is Dots.

or Jelly Belly's when I'm feeling snooty.